I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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