in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
