I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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