you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
