there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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