Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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