i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
