It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
