Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
