i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
