im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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