Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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