I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
