On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize