an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
