Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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