When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
