My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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