my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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