Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
