I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
