I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
