Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
