Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
