HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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