White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
