I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
