Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
