Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
