I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize