I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize