you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
