he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize