The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
