i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
