I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
