My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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