I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize