I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This is classic penis vs brain.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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