I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
