Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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