A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
