I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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