I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
