Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
