i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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