I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
