4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Randomize
