Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
