Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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