I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
