Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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