i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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