i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
