the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize