Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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