i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
