I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
