Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
